She was a Lost Girl

After few months away, I am back at home where my dad had been at hospital back and forward since Xmas.
Fainting or getting his urine conduct infected twice already.
Now he is back at home and very frail, but his strength is helping him and yesterday he asked for a cigar so he could smoke like he used to do.

Me and my mother help him to walk out to the sunshine for few minutes, and then slowly we get back.

Just before coming back, one night in London I dreamt I was going to marry my dad. Freud will have loved this dream!
I was looking at his best, and clearly on the dream it was apparent how narcissistic we all where.
In any case, I was immediately thinking that it was not right I was the one who was marrying  him, and started to ask about my mother and trying to find her, so that I was making sure she would marry the guy instead of me. Later on my Analysis, I realised how much about me restoring the primal couple this dream had been.

The Primal Couple, yes ! this archetype that our parents are or should be if things are right and positive.
The couple is not about heterosexual values, is about the idea of loyalty and love all based in the respect for our own compromise around a shared life project.

It may sound conservative, but should not be, because does not appeal any conservative value once one is a couple, one could have an open couple as well.
I think the worst kind of couple is the one I had to witness and endure as an accomplice daughter of my father about my mother.

And I guess this is why I was feeling guilty inside me and also why now I enjoy seeing them together.

As my dad developed a toxic relation with me, I became first an enemy of my own mother and later, a protector of a secret that would shatter her life if she would ever knew.

I have then, no father no mother, in Jungian terms and even in Freudian terms.
The Tabu, had been broken and I shared with my father a kind of a phallus equality, we both talking freely about sex, specially his sex with other women.

He never suggest anything to me, but when my sister told me about her relation, it was mind blowing literally as she really represented all this wrong, obscure, sinister thing.
She had incest with my brother as well, later, she dated one ex-boyfriend of mine too and in the end and in particular this days, I even dare to believe that she was dealing with her competing feelings about me, her elder sister with her sexiness as many women do when they actually use their sex as tool to get power, attention or else.

Of course this take me to the idea of feminist issues about dynamic between women inside a family, be the family hetero or gay.

But for more that I try to put now the blame on her too, I can't avoid what is known and what anyone can find on researching on text about sexual abuse etc etc. Is the father, the adult, that fails to resist the provocations of the child ( is a 18 year old a child??) it stills so hurting to think all that but is part of every day now that my dad is ill with Cancer and his passing is approaching.